The Schrodinger Side Effect
by InkDeath
Summary: Think of Alucard as two inches high...multiply his number by a million or so. What do you get? Chaos.


The Schrodinger Side Effect

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or any of these characters.

Integra's good eye twitched as she glared at her vampire. Back from his long term of absence he was still as annoying as ever, if not worse. Thirty years and h was still same old Alucard.

She didn't even remember why she had been so irritated, but in a rage she had taken her gun and shot him though the eye with one of her blessed silver bullets. It had never hurt him before, why now?

Alucard gasped as it went through his head and swore loudly before his whole countenance underwent a drastic change. His body swirled into several different colors and his body began to collapse.

"A…Alucard?" Integra had never seen him do this.

Then in an instant his body fell apart into a moving mass on the floor. Integra looked over and found no words, not even swearwords, to describe her astonishment.

She saw Alucards. Plural. Many, many, many, miniaturized Alucards. All in different forms. There were Girlycards running around her carpet with WWII guns in hand, small insane white haired demons running amuck like they had escaped the asylum, Vlad the impalers all over the ground with war spears in hand, and small six eyed dogs running in circles all over the ground.

There was one that looked like her red-coated Alucard she had just shot before. He stood in the middle, and it sounded like among the chaos he was cursing up a storm. He shot a glare up at Integra, he and the others couldn't have been more than two inches in height.

Seras opened the door.

In a wave the swarm of little Alucards rushed out around her feet, escaping into the rest of the mansion.

"Integra!" Said a small high-pitched voice from the ground as Seras screamed when two of the Crazycards began climbing up her legs.

"Get them off of me!" And she brought her hand down on them, slapping them into bloody smears on her legs.

"Integra!"

Integra looked again at the lone Alucard on the ground. She slowly came over and gingerly picked him up by the back of his coat. She placed him on her hand, where he fell and sat in her palm. "Alucard?"

"Master! What have you done to me?" Said his tiny high pitched vice from the angry little two-inch figure.

"I-I don't know."

Seras came over with the two squashed Crazycards all smeared and collected on her hands. "Are these yours?"

Alucard reached up his small miniature arms and Seras dropped the bloody smears onto his head. After a moment Alucard absorbed the blood and seemed just a little larger, if by a hair. "We need," said his comically small voice, "To get the rest of me back."

Seras looked out the door, where two Alucard dogs were at the moment wizzing by the doorframe. "They're ruining my carpet!" Integra snapped.

Seras picked them up slowly with her fingers and brought them over to her master in Integra's palm.

"Sir, we need to go around collecting the little…Alucards." Seras said.

Integra glared at Alucard as he absorbed the dogs back into his frame. "How did this happen?"

"I guess…" Alucard made a nervous laugh. "I haven't fully recovered from the Schrodinger incident."

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Seras was in the halls with a large sack, chasing down miniature forms of Alucard.

There were a bunch of the Dogycards competing for who could pee on the most corners of the mansion, those Integra ordered be collected first. As Seras was running in circles trying to catch them, war had broken out broken out between the impalers and Crazycards, Girlycards putting in shots on both sides for good measure.

Seras snatched up a row of squirming Crazycards and Girlycards impaled on spears along the floor. She tossed them into the sack. As she was doing this she yelped, as several impalers stabbed her toes and began climbing up her legs. She tried picking at them and tossing them into the sack, but as they moved and increased in number Seras settles for swatting them, either killing them or stunning them. She tossed the little bodies into the sack with curses and mumblings.

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Alucard, the one true Alucard, was dispatching his familiar forms under Integra's desk. She heard what sounded like tiny gunshots and evil cackles before all fell silent. Alucard them crawled out from under her desk, slightly larger, almost five inches in height. He grinned at his master, "Well, isn't this exciting?"

Integra gave him a dirty glare.

"It's not my fault! You're the one who shot me."

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"Master…little masters…get over here!"

A gang of Girlycards swung from the chandelier in the dinning hall. They were all laughing manically and firing their little WWII guns at the ceiling and at Seras.

Seras climbed up into the table and started reaching for them. She closed her eyes angrily as more little pellets embedded themselves into her eyes. "Little…gnats."

"Oh nooooooooo!" They all said together with another round of laughter and pointing behind Seras. She looked over her shoulder and cried out. The sack had been torn open and out of the hole was a stream of Alucards escaping to all sorts of corners of the mansion.

"No! Come on this isn't fair!"

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With Alucard sitting on her shoulder Integra was headed for the basement fridge where they kept the medical blood. On the way when she encountered small Alucards running amuck, and would grab them and hand them over to the steadily growing Alucard on her shoulder.

"Are you sure?"

"If I know me, and I know me, a lot of them will be raiding the fridge."

"I must ask, do you raid the fridge often?"

Alucard was silent, trying to keep an innocent face.

Integra opened the door to the room and saw the fridge door open, a small Crazycard climbing into it. As she opened the fridge door further she saw a bloody mess. She glowered.

Spread across empty medical packs and in small spills of blood were thirty or so Crazycards, their tongues hanging out and motionless after stuffing themselves to bursting point with all the blood they could get their hands on. They looked up slowly at Integra as she opened the door, then dropped their heads back down, too full to care.

Integra placed Alucard into the fridge. "Just pull yourself back together."

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"Come here…you!"

Seras was trying to catch one of the six-eyed dogs on the carpet, jumping around like a child trying to catch a lizard.

With high-pitched barks the dog was evading her hands with too much ease.

Seras had gone on to use a large iron chest to contain all the little Alucards. That way they would be less likely to break out.

She chased the dog until it scurried under her door. She opened it and screamed with anger.

Her room was being ransacked and destroyed by all forms of Alucard. In hr underwear drawer Doggycards were doing tug-o-war with her panties. Crazycards were smashing things anyway they could, ripping apart headphones, tearing up magazines and books, drawing along the walls and all over her things. Vlads were picking apart her blankets and pillows, the white fluff spread all over the room. And Girlycards were mercilessly reading and then scrawling over her diary.

They all paused for a brief second and all looked up together at Seras in the doorway, all activity on halt. Them an impaler yelled at the top of his tiny lungs, "Attack the blonde female! Attack!"

"Hey…! Ah! Get off!"

"Steal her panties!" Said several Crazycards.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" The swarm of Alucards overran Seras and set her to the ground, writhing as she tried to get them off her body.

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Integra and Alucard heard the scream from below.

Alucard began to grin wickedly and chuckle, but wiped the look off his face when met with Integra's fierce gaze.

"Get your twelve inch ass down there and help her."

Alucard grinned toothily before disappearing through the floor.

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Seras was warding them off with a fire extinguisher as best she could. The Crazycards waved their prize proudly though as she tried to smother them in the foam. Her thighs were held tightly together, they had managed to steal her underwear before she had blown them away with the extinguisher.

That was when a foot high Alucard came in, guns raised. He winked at Seras, "Having a little trouble?"

"I'll bit your head off if you don't do something!" Seras snapped as she slammed the empty extinguisher on a group of Girlycards.

Alucard jumped into action, "I hate being small."

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It had taken over three days to gather up the small infestation and put Alucard back together. But now he stood before Integra, six feet high and whole.

"I'm just glad it's over." Integra snarled. "Never let that happen again. You going to have to be more careful from now on and not get shot too often in any vital areas."

"Yes, my master. Fun's over." He made a small smirk.

"Fun?!?" Seras came up behind Alucard, "You call that fun, bucko?!" She turned around to show a small six-eyed dog with its teeth in her behind. She grabbed it and then slapped it into Alucards butt with a slap. He jumped slightly as she did. "If that ever happens again I'm going to twist your…!"

"Seras," Integra warned. "Let's not hear any language from you, young lady."

Seras hissed at her master, who wore a sly grin and said nothing.

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This is a fanfic for my younger brother. Hope he enjoys it… :P


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